Unfortunately, it's not always possible to predict the direction of a conversation. For instance, one would think that the subject of jobs would be a fairly safe one to discuss. Several years ago, at a Thanksgiving dinner hosted by my in-laws, someone asked me about my work and I responded that I wrote newsletter and brochure copy for a few financial services firms. One of the dinner guests, a friend whom I rarely see, asked if I did work for the brokerage firm where she held an account. Yeah, I affirmed, that's one of my clients.
All hell broke loose. "You?" Mary kept repeating. "You write the brochures that I get with my account statements?" She was incredulous that her brokerage firm outsourced this important task to a mere financial writer, to someone whom she deemed inferior to herself. I had never heard this tone of blatant disrespect coming from Mary, who was normally a kind and lovely person. I was taken aback by her reaction.
It became obvious that she had not been adequately forewarned about the bear market that had clawed her account into shreds. And she needed to vent her frustrations on me. I told her she should take the matter up with her broker. Mary's tone turned apologetic, and she admitted that she couldn't because her broker happened to be a family relation.
It was an uncomfortable moment. But it exposed the stark differences in our finances. Mary had lived a frugal existence until her husband sold his business for a substantial sum of money a couple of years before. They were suddenly worth a lot -- several million bucks, judging from the beautiful home they had purchased and the lovely furnishings in it. Here she was, indirectly blaming me for the negative change in her financial circumstances. And my net worth was just a fraction of hers!
Not envious in the least
Honestly, I do not begrudge Mary and her husband for their money, nor do I begrudge anyone else for their wealth, for that matter. My self-worth is not defined by my monetary circumstances relative to those of other people. I swear. But it's impossible not to notice disparities, even if we don't know all the details of our friends' and relatives' financial situations.
For example, a family member was out of work last year. After about six months of pounding the pavement, Eddie suddenly had a few offers on the table. He confided to me that he was hitting up the firm he liked best for a salary-plus-bonus package that amounted to a sum roughly equivalent to three times my salary. And he ended up with the job.
Three decades earlier, Eddie had asked me what field of study he should pursue in college. "Study something that interests you," I counseled him. "But avoid business at all costs." After all, business was rife with corruption, I told him. "You don't want to sell your soul for a living, do you?"
In those days, of course, many boomers naively took that position about business. Never mind that business is the engine of the economy. Thank God he didn't take my advice! Now he's doing very well, and I'm genuinely happy for him.
If business is the economy's engine, consumers are the driver, and oftentimes they steer down the wrong road. A really good book that came out earlier this year shines a spotlight on how our perspective of what others have can lead us down a path of self-destruction. "Green with Envy: Why Keeping Up with the Joneses is Keeping Us in Debt" by Shira Boss is a fascinating exploration of the American psyche. It gives the reader a voyeuristic account of the financial lives of several people from all walks of life. At the same time it exposes the psychological reasons for the decisions they, and by extension, we as a society, make.
The freedom to live
Shira begins her book by courageously sharing her own not-so-nice feelings of envy that she held against her new neighbors in a small apartment building on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Shira and her husband had gotten word that the newcomers paid cash for their place -- and this was after the apartments had appreciated quite a bit in value. Every time Shira ran into "Tina," she was wearing a new designer outfit. Shira observed that Tina quit her job on a lark, and then subsequently decided to study interior decorating. By all appearances, this couple had it all, most importantly the freedom to choose what they wanted to do with their lives. Money was no obstacle, or so it seemed.
"They are the Joneses, and we are not keeping up," Shira Boss writes. "However much we understand that we are not -- not, under any circumstance -- to covet our neighbor's anything or to attempt to keep up with the Joneses, we can't seem to help it. We are gripped by this involuntary urge, a drive to compare and compete that is ingrained, at least in Americans, if not all people. ...
"Since the days of Cain and Abel we have been bickering and jostling over who has the better lot. Wealth and well-being are largely a mindset, and how we're doing in relation to the company we keep is key to our contentment."
I argue that the competitive urge began before Cain and Abel's quarrel. It happened in the Garden of Eden when their parents partook of the forbidden fruit at the serpent's deceptive suggestion. Their desire to one-up the Creator caused them to sin, and consequently they sought clothing which, over the centuries, evolved into a strong desire for Tommy Bahama shirts and Donna Karan handbags.
OK, that's an oversimplification perhaps. But Boss' book warns that we can self-destruct if we fall into the trap of one-upmanship.
There are several nefarious forces at work. There's the ease of getting credit, the seductive lure of dozens of credit card offers each week. Television advertising bombards us with messages telling us that we need stuff that we really don't. And then there are subliminal messages in the background of sporting newscasts, such as the maxim, "Life takes Visa." What does that mean, anyway? Life takes Visa? How about if we invert it to say, "Visa takes life"?
Visa zaps the lifeblood right out of your finances, it depletes your future earnings. That is, if you let it.
Shira's neighbor Tina, it turns out, has a compulsive shopping disorder and her financial situation is not what it appears to be. The book also delves in the personal financial lives of "Dan and Tammy," a typical American couple who moved into a perfectly manicured, gated community in Orlando, Fla., and then slowly slipped off the edge of the debt precipice they created. It documents the difficulties that our congressional leaders have, trying to keep up two households on their income and the lengths to which some of them go to avoid financial ruin. There's a chapter dedicated to baby boomers, by the way, plus an inside look at the perspective of the spectacularly wealthy. Hint: Those who inherit money have a hard time getting motivated to work, and many envy us workers for our industriousness!
I won't give it all away, but "Green with Envy" is an excellent read for those who are resigned to going whole-hog this Christmas by spending money that they don't have on gifts.
Let's not get swept up in the euphoria of spending this holiday season. It's a temporary high that's followed by a gut-wrenching hangover when the credit card statements arrive.
Instead, let's approach this special time with a sensible plan and a strong spirit of gratitude. Envy and gratitude are mutually exclusive emotions, after all.
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