Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer up a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Claudia Dey.
A reader writes: I recently returned to work after being on maternity leave for nine months as a single mother. I am dealing with custody and child-support issues. Two weeks prior to returning to work I was rear-ended and have needed therapy, and my son has been constantly sick, so I've had to take time off. I also had to take three weeks of vacation. Company policy allows me to take time off, but my absences have been noticed by the office busybody, a woman with no children and a nasty mouth. I knew I would be her target, as she has done this to others. During my midyear review, my boss said the busybody had complained and I should watch my absenteeism. While I understand my boss's reason for addressing the issue, I don't know how to deal with the busybody. Should I confront her, talk to human resources or simply ignore her?
TAKE IT TO THE TOP
Don't confront the busybody; don't affirm her right to meddle by explaining yourself to her. But don't ignore her behaviour either, if it could damage your standing at work. If busybody has a legitimate reason to keep track of your presence, then your boss should let her know you had good reasons, and permission, to take time off. If she doesn't have such reasons, then your boss should be standing up for you and curtailing busybody's bad behaviour toward others. Talk to your boss. If you don't get satisfaction there, then yes, go to human resources.
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- Elise Moser, Montreal
IMPROVE YOUR ATTENDANCE
Although all the reasons may be valid, continual intermittent absences are costly to an employer and disruptive to a workplace when co-workers have to take on another employee's work to meet company deadlines.
You state you understand your boss's reference to your absenteeism. If so, then there is nothing to discuss with human resources or the "busybody." Your only goal should be improving your attendance. There is nothing to be gained by confronting the busybody: She is entitled to her opinion and she may well be reflecting other co-workers' concerns as well.
- Sharon Charboneau,
Sunshine Coast, B.C.
HAVE A COMPANY DISCUSSION
Suggest your boss initiate a staff meeting to review company policies so that everyone is clear about what's expected of them. Then, at the meeting, make the bully the person who is asked to lead the discussion on employee time off. If there is also a policy about harassment in the workplace, your boss could ask her to read that aloud, too. Her nasty mouth will not find a home in a frank, professional discussion and your boss will be able to rise above the busybody's complaining and provide leadership on staff conduct and peer support.
- Diane Boyer, Toronto
THE FINAL WORD
Dear SWM,
You are in the first months of your new life as a Single Working Mother. This is the equivalent to riding a unicycle while juggling fire - an infant perched on your shoulder. It is a stunt. And you have an audience.
Understandably, your home life is requiring all of your attention. After you have edited your film, stitched a wound, presented the budget, you are the sole set of hands changing soiled diapers and spooning sweet potato into an open, hungry mouth. To compound your duties, you were rear-ended, forced to convalesce and fighting for child support. While all of this might matter to me, it does not matter at work. What matters at work is that the film is finished, the wound healed, the budget on target.
Relentless? Yes. But working and mothering can have a call-and-answer effect. One can feed the other. Exhibit A: You are not struggling with your child care. Having this structure firmly in place will form a crucial foundation that frees you to focus on your work.
From this point forward, insist on the highest level of professionalism. As Disruptive Charboneau advises: Improve your record. Be punctual. Be present and, dare I say, excel. Your time is compressed now. It is purposeful. Use it to great effect.
While minute as a gadfly, the office busybody does muster a sting. Still, As Talk to Your Boss Moser counsels, do not confront her. This would be like trying to reason with a laugh track. Instead, deal with her only when she is relevant to the course of your work. And difficult as it may be, do not succumb to that siren called office gossip. It will sink your credibility. Besides, you do not have time for triviality; you are building a career.
On that note, follow up with your boss. Contextualize the conversation by reaffirming your dedication. Whether the busybody had a right to her complaint or not, like a prize fighter, gracefully accept it. Do not underestimate your boss's awareness of the office dynamics. If pressed in the future, take it to human resources.
While I appreciate the creativity of Company Policy Boyer's solution for swatting the gadfly, I think it would be much more appropriate, and adult, to toilet paper her house. That said, SWM, your brilliance on the job will achieve the same effect.
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Claudia Dey's plays, Beaver, The Gwendolyn Poems and Trout Stanley, have been staged across Canada. Her first novel, Stunt, was published by Coach House Books. Her website is ClaudiaDey.com.